must... stop... contemplating

GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

I survived the first few weeks of college... I survived 06.06.06... I...

Everyone looks forward to college. I certainly anticipated for it. But once you get used to it... it sucks. You get damn bored. You find ways to spark things up. And it goes around and around...

Is it me or is it the way education/minor subs drained my brain cells away with all the useless information that can't even be associated with my course?!

F*ck it. I can't wait for the major subs. I'd rather feel burned out doing and learning something that I love than something I'm just forced to take. F*ck di ba?! Slim's will help me get by since I enrolled for dressmaking lessons... something that is sooooooo related to my course and something that I really truly need in my course... not all that poligov and joseriz shit (though I give respect to our national hero, I see no point why we still have to study his life... and we're obliged to... and it adds extra on the tuition... how f*cking useless!).

Now I'll stop cursing.

I've been bothered lately. With all the long breaks, I can't help but ponder on some unresolved issues I have with some people. Hmmm... I guess I am weird because it would take time before things would finally sink in my brain. Late reaction... and no one would be interested to listen anymore since its yesterday's news.

I don't really dwell on these things since its not worth it(or is it?) and I don't hold grudges against anyone after what had happened, though some people said I should, but I really believe that I shouldn't... these issues just get my attention at times. I do blame myself because I was stupid, and I let myself be. I blame myself because I didn't know what I was doing. I blame myself because others think differently of others... and I can't defend or speak for my own. And I'll always blame myself. But I'm still manhiiiiiid. I promised myself that I won't let a small or big incident get me... and I'll indulge myself with that. But it aint easy. It never was. Everything always comes back to me. geeeeeeez... I've moved on, but one day... just one unexpected day... I will have to face them... this is a small world. So let it be... BRING IT ON.

Plus, how can I almost break a friendship with yosi??? It totally changed my life and totally ruined my last year in Veda. And how can I possibly let go of someone who was worth a second look???????????????????????????????????

I've been taking life for granted. See what its done to me...

I used to think that as you grow older, you cry less. I was wrong.

Sometimes, I can't help but think that hell isn't the underground where bad people go and burn for eternity. Hell is amongst us... its in this world... its in everyone... its in us. Here lies the battlefield of 'good' versus 'evil'... and karma, which I believe is bound to punish everyone... is a bitch. Its killing me.

Another throw of this battlefield is change. We're vulnerable to changes. We don't really have a choice. We live... we laugh.... we hurt... and we cry. It will either work for the better... or exacerbate everything.

Don't you just love it when you can't handle the changes that life throws at you???!

And when people who were suppose to fight with you in battle... let you down... leave you... or disappear, then what's the purpose of standing still in this ruthless world?!

I feel like crap right now, so if I don't make sense... its probably depression taking over. I'm struggling. I'm trying to cheer myself up. Crying would just give me puffy eyes... so I have to stop.
 

currently grooving to: sweet love by kaskade
currently hassled by: school. money. life.
currently dreaming of: bora... it wasn't sunshine paradise when i went there. nabitin ako. i want to go back. my tan's so pale. i love the beach...

Yesterday, I went to Metrowalk and consumed the first season of 'Grey's Anatomy'. Just in case you're wondering what it is, here's a spill:

"Meet Meredith Grey, a brilliant first year surgical intern at seattle Grace Hospital. Together with her fellow residents-in-training, Meredith navigates her way through the daily traumas and social land mines of life inside the hospital and out in the real world. Grey's Anatomy is a smart and witty look at young people struggling to be doctors, and doctors struggling to stay human."

If it sounds like another medical drama, well... it is. This is actually the first series of this kind that I stayed glued to(aside from Scrubs,which is more on the comedy genre), so I can't tell you what makes it different. Personally, I'm not at all interested with Science. Fashion Designing is obviously not related to medicine. But if asked what would be the most fulfilling job, I would definitely not answer, 'a fashion designer'. In fact, fashion designers don't save lives. They save vanity. Doctors, surgeons and the like, save lives. That in itself is the most fulfilling achievement ever.

My point is, the series made me ponder on life issues that are more important than vanity or any other shallow and unsignificant issues. Every episode was worth the watch. I wish I had the patience and the passion to study medicine, but I don't. That's a big commitment. I guess I have to save lives through other ways. I may be an aspiring FD, but I'm still human. I am entitled to save my fellow humans too. That is one of my purpose.

Hands down to the medicine people! Just so you know... these lifesavers have lives too outside the hospital. They save lives, while they save their own.

I was thinking of getting CSI: New York, Lost and Scrubs(Its still medical drama. I need to laugh too) also. I can't restrain myself from watching something that drives me to contemplation. 
 
DRAMA. Who couldn't resist it? Unconsciously, I am a drama queen and I love being one. And tragedy? Damn. Just as tempting and entertaining. Happy endings are just too good to be true.

I'm not the ice queen after all. Someone shooked me up! I'm still iced though, but there's an ice king. Turns out someone's more manhid than I am! And he's not my king.

Our story? Well, we don't have one. If we did, it wouldn't go beyond 'barkada'. It will just revolve around kiligs... moments... well, that's my story with him.

Its been a long time since we got to hang out again, just like old times. But its one helluva bond that's seasonal. Soon, we'll be back to our separate lives. And I can never tell if that last text of his, will be literally, the last. I'll never know...

Do I still like him? Well, yes.... but it's complicated. How cliche. But true. It really is. I do get speechless when he speaks to me... to the point where I really get quiet... weak even. I didn't like him for his hunky looks. I don't go for hunks! And yet I still fell infatuated over him.

Whatever it is... its best to put them aside. Why? Cause its not anything major. Its something I feel that's only for him. Nothing more, nothing less... just better left unsaid. 

How does he feel about me? I have no idea. Some people can tell... but I'm manhid. I need more than what people think. I need assurance. I need to feel it.

Haaaay... my Iranian Prince.

***************

Last Sat, I was with my cue friends, Diane, Chrissy, Cat, Martin and Afsheen. We went up to Tagaytay. First, we had late lunch at Martin's place. His family owns this Mama Mary sanctuary. I recommend this place for religious seekers. Never leave that place without approaching the altar where the Mama Mary lies with a big crucifix of Jesus. I remember giving a statement that I don't believe in relics or statues of images of Christ, but this time around, I reconsidered. I never felt so peaceful and spiritual when I held Mama Mary's hand and when I touched the wounds of Jesus. I left all my worries and endeavors to Him.

Then we settled in my place at Monte Vista. I told myself that I was going to quit smoking... and its hard. But I only had 6 cigs that day... despite the fact that there wer free west ice cigs in front of me and 3 smokers smoking their lives away. That's a good start I guess.

When darkness filled the sky, we turned off all the lights in the house. And there it was!!! The flawless sky with stars sparkling endlessly! It was breath-taking. I've been to that house countless times, but I've never tried this. I guess I've been taking life for granted. And with that spectacular view, I can't help but contemplate. I can't help but ponder on unresolve issues I chose not to confront. I can't help but think about my own future and the things that I really want to do in this life. I can't help but remember people who I've caused pain... and those who inflicted sleepless and tearful nights on me... my karma.

Love is not unfair. Life is...